The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]