A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now
Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know
I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.