The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
LOOOOOOL
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them