@StephenAtHome

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

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@grantgirl2004

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

@SatansTongue

“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
Shhhh
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now

@vjraines

Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know

@LittleMissAngr1

I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.

@robdelaney

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

@wastefulthinker

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@just_evolved

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

@daddydoubts

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.