[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
Every time my son shuts his bathroom door, I assume he’s ’debating
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome