I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
We’ve come full circle
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Stop sending me this shit.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk