Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@jerm1991

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

@Quartzjixler

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

@jackiembouvier

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

@CarrieMayhem

People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.

@doktorj

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

@Proxic0n

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@NotthatAdamWest

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.