@HatfieldAnne

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

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@Di0nysus7

He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

@PrisonCookies

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@mewritesgood

You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@fuzzlime

A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.