The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.