The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down


If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.


Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.


Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.


ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about


People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.


If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.



Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*


We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!