@Di0nysus7
He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:
1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out
@HatfieldAnne
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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@Di0nysus7
@Parkerlawyer
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
@PrisonCookies
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
@TheWadest
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
@dulcetry
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
@mewritesgood
You may recognize me from such films as:
HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13
@nayele18maybe
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
@BoomBoomBetty
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
@fuzzlime
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.
@banish_all_hope
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.