The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

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He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out


Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.


I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?


FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”


One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.


You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13


Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.


A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.