ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
You Might Also Like
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Storm Tropical Storm
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”