The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
this is what they would have looked like, though
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’m giving up ice.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point