The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
You Might Also Like
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
good work, detective
*power walks to the refrigerator*
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
i choose….tongue
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*