The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm