The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
my first day as a raccoon
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend