The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
What number SPF blocks people?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
i want to work in this restaurant
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!