me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
You Might Also Like
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio