The legends speak of a third Duran…
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
my mom making me talk to relatives
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.