The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Seas the day!!!!
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.