ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I thought this was funny lol
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.