The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
im all 3
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.