@luckinspades
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
@juliothesquare
The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.
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@luckinspades
@karanbirtinna
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
@alovablenerd
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
@lazerdoov
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
@better_off_dad
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
@AnitaHelmet
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
@timdonakowski
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
@notalogin
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
@MaraWritesStuff
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?