@NewAmsterdam143

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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@momthoughts13

So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@causticbob

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

@Marlebean

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

@JermHimselfish

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

@MattTheBrand

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

@Tmoney68

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.