@NewAmsterdam143

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

@ReginaCarpaccio

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

@_Ted_Bear

Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

@handsock_butts

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]