The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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Me: Do you have any mini-ipods in stock? Guy: what color? Me: Any color. Guy: We don’t have any. You Sir, have achieved stupid greatness.


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Motherโ€™s Day


Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.


I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.


*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack


If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.


MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats


I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*