The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan