Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.