The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.


You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now


First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose


Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?


my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken


A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.


Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife


me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]