The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
calling in to work dehydrated
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.