The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
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[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.