Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
next level snooze
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.