@HenpeckedHal

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

You Might Also Like

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

@Angibangie

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

@MomOfTeen

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

@behindyourback

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”