Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!