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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby