@thenatewolf

The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.

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@NakedHangover

What I learned in college:

1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.

2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.

@SortaBad

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

@OrignalceQueen

When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark

15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then

Me: ………

@DanMentos

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

@tillygirl3

All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck

@Amburglar_

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@gitson_shiggles

So I can’t go out drinking with friends, I’m stuck at home, no sex, just watching TV most of the time.

I’m phoning the registrar’s office first thing tuesday to see when I married Covid19.

@AthenaMystique

When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.