The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.

You Might Also Like


What I learned in college:

1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.

2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.


We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever


When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark

15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then

Me: ………


ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss


All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck


Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.


{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!


** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:


So I can’t go out drinking with friends, I’m stuck at home, no sex, just watching TV most of the time.

I’m phoning the registrar’s office first thing tuesday to see when I married Covid19.


When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.