Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I have never related to anyone more.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
best review i’ve ever seen
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Only short people can save us
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.