the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.