the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
You Might Also Like
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Reporter: *ports again*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.