The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?