The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working