The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.