Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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Me: Same
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?