The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*


8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.


My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”


GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it


I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.


NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.


Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?