The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich