The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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tis the season
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers