RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Lmfao
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
incredible book dedication
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix