The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.


The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.


When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.


Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue


“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend


Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?


It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.


If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.