The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
The only equipped I am is ill.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Monday Lisa
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual