@ArianFoster

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

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@Kori_Okie

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

@elle91

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

@MomOnFire

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@generaldietz

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

@juliussharpe

It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.

@petemandik

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.