The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You Might Also Like
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?