The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
courtroom exchange of the day