I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.