The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.