The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.

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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.


Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.


I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.


The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.


‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby


I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.


My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.


“I’m not drunk” *stands up* “Shit, I’m drunk”


Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol


JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels