Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.