*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years