[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
How did we not see this back then?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
You deplete me
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that