The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings