This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Sex so good you see dead people.
This punishment is not working…
Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.