The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.


The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything


When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.


The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.


Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.


Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.


[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…


I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.