[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
🙂🐾
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!