The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
O Wise One….
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My god she’s good.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar