The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.