@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.

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@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

@shawnspree

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

@mydmac

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

@NurseMurderer

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

@Darlainky

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

@KentWGraham

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

@NikiWithIssues

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”