I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.
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I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.
Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”