@longwall26

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

You Might Also Like

@BastardProphet

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

@Sorrowscopes

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@snarkymomtobe

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

@WheelTod

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@rachelle_mandik

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”