The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Trains are just sideway elevators.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?