I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig