10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.
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ME: want anything for breakfast?
BOSS: just banana
[struggling to hold office door shut]
ANA: let me in!
ME: sorry boss said to ban you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I’m on the powerlifting forums, trying to convince everyone that kissing another man before you bench gives you an awesome adrenaline boost.
[God creating Raccoons]
GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.
-Do u want the buffet?
-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.