Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When the stylist spins you back around
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?