@Landon_TSNTL

The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.

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@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@meganamram

If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@sixfootcandy

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

@truegritrumble

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

@corysnearowski

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

@Home_Halfway

Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.