If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Clients after you give them your rates
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.