The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.